| I'm a survivor. No, I don't have a yellow ribbon on | | | | with what was going on, (c) not being fair, or (d) |
| my lapel or a group that meets every Thursday | | | | all of the above. What was I thinking? |
| night. Instead, I have a twenty-one year old | | | | I tried to think back to my teenage years but it |
| daughter. And in order for her to have achieved | | | | was an unfair comparison. We didn't have (a) cell |
| that number, she and I had to go through her | | | | phones with text messaging, (b) cable tv, (c) |
| teenage years. It's what I affectionately call, the | | | | computers or the Internet, (d) microwaves, (e) |
| "Seven Years of Hell." Not that all of it was bad, | | | | fax machines, or (f) credit cards and practically no |
| mind you, because it wasn't. But, like a malignant | | | | money whatsoever. This generation was |
| fungus, it began slowly and kind of crept up on | | | | techno-charged and I was a dinosaur from the |
| my wife and myself. I tell you how it affected | | | | black and white television age. Geez. |
| me during that period. Two words: Oh, My God! | | | | Once she got her first car, I rarely saw her |
| You see, now I can't even count anymore. | | | | unless she needed money, food, or something |
| It began innocently enough. The day my daughter | | | | was broken. We got her the requisite cell phone |
| turned thirteen, I hid in the closet waiting to see | | | | and credit card. They were for "emergencies," we |
| what I had created. After a few hours of waiting, | | | | explained. She decided that "emergency" meant |
| I realized that things appeared normal. So I went | | | | any time she had to call anyone on earth or had |
| back to my routine and monitored her progress. | | | | to buy anything at anytime for any reason. The |
| It took months before I noticed any signs of the | | | | battle lines had been drawn. We spent the next |
| "transformation" as I like to call it. It happened one | | | | few years fighting over her curfew, spending |
| Sunday when she was doing her homework. She | | | | habits, friends with various addictions, and our |
| was working a math problem for beginning | | | | "behavior." |
| algebra and said, "What's an invisible number?" | | | | There were always issues about our behavior, |
| I looked at her quizzically and replied, "I'm not | | | | not hers. We were the unyielding parents that |
| sure." | | | | didn't understand her. The problem was, we did, |
| She gave me the strangest look and then hung | | | | and were constantly expressing ourselves. What |
| her head. "You mean you don't know everything?" | | | | were we thinking? The nerve of us actually |
| she asked in amazement. | | | | questioning her judgment? Surely, we could |
| I shook my head and admitted to the failure. | | | | recognize the vast unlimited experience and |
| From that day forward, the spiral of agony began. | | | | knowledge of someone who had been on this |
| No longer did she consult me regarding every | | | | earth a whopping seventeen years! She was now |
| aspect of her life. I wasn't the all-knowing guru | | | | the expert on practically everything and we had |
| she clung to before. Rather, she began to ask her | | | | undergone totally lobotomies. Our minds were |
| friends for advice. Now that's a scary thought in | | | | virtual mush and unable to perceive her brilliance. |
| itself. But they were more than happy to tell her | | | | It was quite obvious we were now to be on the |
| all they knew about every subject. Eventually, I | | | | losing end of every discussion. |
| would discover the wealth of totally absurd facts | | | | Toward the end of the teenage reign of terror, |
| they exposed whenever approached. | | | | the wars were conducted with less frequency |
| "Lincoln was the first president, or was it Franklin? | | | | and we somehow regained partial use of our |
| The capital of Europe is Paris. You can get a fake | | | | brains. She decided that we still knew a few basic |
| ID over the Internet." Good stuff like that. | | | | things and didn't always question our decisions. |
| As she and I aged together, the rift grew wider. | | | | Harmony crept back into our relationship as the |
| Not only was I getting dumber by the hour | | | | birds sung and the crickets chirped once again. |
| regarding schoolwork, I couldn't be relied on for | | | | Now life is good and we got along perfectly. Did I |
| any of the right answers. She would ask to stay | | | | mention that she moved out on her own at |
| out later, or skip a class. When I gave a negative | | | | eighteen to go to college? Now I wonder if that |
| response, I was (a) unfeeling, (b) out of touch | | | | had anything to do with it. |